What are you doing. You are insane. Why couldn't you just be content and happy where you were. This is ridiculous. Never again. Why are you putting yourself through this?...
...were just a few of the thoughts going over and over in my head on the 14 hour flight from Melbourne, Australia to Hanoi, Vietnam, four weeks ago. I woke up on the morning of the flight with my heart beating so hard I could hear it thudding against the mattress and that horrible but familiar sick feeling washing over me. I dismissed it as nerves.
I chose to leave Melbourne, Nobody forced me. After an amazing and challenging 9 months living, working and travelling Australia I decided I wanted a change. I wanted to go back to SE Asia to get an English teaching job, something that I had been wanting to do since me and John first backpacked Asia over a year (!) ago. I really felt that I had done everything I wanted to do in Australia and it was time for me to go and try this, otherwise I would regret it. It was exciting, but also absolutely terrifying. I had steady work in Melbourne. I had friends and a good few work connections here. Me and John had our own private room in a house share. I had comfort and routine and all the things that I craved when we first arrived here knowing nobody, with no jobs, nowhere to stay, no suitable clothing and honestly no idea where to start. And now I was going to go and do it all over again? I knew I was taking a huge risk. But I really, really wanted to do this. I wanted the experience of teaching English, I wanted the challenge and the feeling of fulfilment I felt I was lacking in my familiar lifestyle. I honestly felt in my heart that this was the next step for me to take, the next chapter in my adventure. I spoke to everybody I knew that had done it, I watched YouTube videos, I did my research. I became more and more excited as my flight date drew closer. I was ready.
And so I went. I followed my dream. At this point, I'd like to write that the flight went smoothly, that I arrived in Hanoi with no issues, and settled into my new environment like a duck to water. I'd like to write that I'm still sitting here now, in the hot, humid chaotic heat of Hanoi, typing this blog post before heading off to teach an English class. But I'm not. I'm actually back in Melbourne, sat on the same mattress that I lay on feeling sick and terrified the morning of my flight. The reality was that I suffered a good few setbacks before I even arrived in Hanoi, one of which would complicate my stay and cause a major upheaval very early on. The sick feeling and the doubt that flooded my mind never went away, it only multiplied with every unexpected setback that I encountered along the way. And although I still desperately wanted to teach and craved that experience, once I was there it just didn't feel right.
Now, I am well aware that following your dreams isn't an easy process. It takes a lot of hard work, dedication and perseverance. To achieve something that you really want means that you can't give up at every hurdle, but must push on and face the difficulties regardless. However, I am also aware that the end product, as well as the journey toward it, doesn't always look how you imagined it to. If the journey is difficult but feels worthwhile, then I believe that you should continue despite the difficulties. However, if your feelings change, if you have every instinct screaming in opposition, or even just an underlying feeling of uncomfortable uncertainty, then it's time to reconsider. What do you want, really? What do you need right now? Consider the situation. Consider the timing. And above all, consider your gut feeling. It's instinct, and it really is the strongest navigation through life.
I don't want this post to suggest that following your dreams is a bad thing. I still believe in it, I still encourage it, and I won't give up on mine. I still want to go out and teach English somewhere. I still want that experience. I'll still seek out opportunities in the future. This isn't about giving up, it's about changing direction. I've never had such a strong pull of emotions before that has changed how I feel about a goal or experience. It was a whole flood of feeling that I just couldn't ignore or explain. Honestly, it was pretty heart-breaking. It didn't make my decision to leave Hanoi easy, despite the intensity of feeling that it was the right thing to do. I chose to listen to my instinct and I don't regret it.
In the end, my reasons for leaving Hanoi were emotional and complicated. I felt that I had to cut my losses and return to Australia, not because I missed it or was greatly attached to my experience there, but because it's the place that holds everything I need right now. I don't regret going to Hanoi, and I don't regret leaving it either. The whole experience was one invaluable and important life lesson; ultimately, yes, follow your dreams, but above all else follow your heart and your instinct. If the two work together in harmony, then persevere, but if they don't, block out all of the outside noise and listen to your deepest emotions.
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